Friday, September 26, 2014

Boy its been a long time!!! I'm Back! Hopefully!

Well hello there dear readers! *Waives frantically at all of you!* 

I hope that you all are doing well. I apologize for my absence but the last month or so has been pretty stressful for me and not in a good way. Sadly this blog and everything that goes with it is not my full-time job. I wish it was. I would gladly take being a full time blogger/youtuber any day over working customer service. 

I won’t go into detail of what happened over the last month or so but I will say that my depression and anxiety levels reached all new heights. I actually had anxiety attacks for the first time since I was a kid. The month of September however has been showing that things in my life are slowly improving and if you follow me on Twitter (which is where I am mostly active) then you know some of the things I am going to mention next. 

I got a full time promotion at work for starters. My co-worker left to have brain surgery for an aneurism. She is the Assistant Office Supervisor at my job and she is going to be out for about six months due to the surgery. All is well though she came out just fine, its just now time for her to recuperate and heal. They decided to post her position for her job and I applied for it. I went through an interview and everything. Right before I left for vacation I found out that I got the job and when I get back I will be working 40 hours a week and also receiving a pay raise. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to show my stuff, my managers are very confident in me and I want to prove to them I am capable. And plus the extra money is really going to help. 

So now here comes the part saying that even working 40 hours a week hopefully I can get back in to blogging regularly and shooting videos too. I don’t make any guarantees though.

As I mentioned above I am on vacation as I write this blog post even though its not going up until after I get back. I am sadly without internet and trying to type all of this on my phone will certainly give me Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 

This vacation however is not a typical vacation, I’m in Florida, but there was no visiting Disney World, or Universal Studios or going to the beach. Mainly it was to visit my ailing nana. Last year she was diagnosed with a treatable but not curable form of Leukemia. She being 88 years old, god bless her told my mom she feels she's doesn’t have a lot of time left here on earth and wanted to see us. 

Almost a week before we left for florida, my nana was brought to the hospital because she said she couldn’t breathe, turns out it was the beginning of Congestive Heart Failure. She had too much salt in her body and they also found out she has a leaky heart valve. Due to her age and her not being very strong they can’t fix the leaky valve. So she needs to be extra careful now, and is on a no salt diet. Its sucks for her, because she sees everyone else eating great food and she's got bland crap.Plus she is the type that likes to stay busy and now she can’t. I was especially worried about my mom because this is her mom were talking about. She is very close to her and it upset her greatly that nana almost died before she got to see her. 

So this vacation has had us stuck at my nana’s house all week which is fine, I don’t mind, I’ve been playing with my laptop, watching television, eating great food. Its not ideal but we are with family thats what matters. At least until Saturday that was. 

Saturday was a rough day for me on this trip, I realized the extended family on my moms side with the exception of my nana, pop, and my mom are no different then the people on my dads side of the family. They began making comments about the choices of food I was making,or how much time I was spending in my room away from everyone. I am an introvert, I enjoy spending time by myself doing my own thing, if you don’t like it tough.  They were also making fun of my mother, (their sister). I know they are mainly sarcastic people but they were being hurtful, not funny sarcastic. I myself am very sarcastic and I know when to shut it off and be real, or keep my mouth shut. These people don’t. Saturday I wanted to go home, if I could of hopped on a  plane I would of. I get enough judging at home, I didn’t need it here. 

I know you all are saying that “Not everyone is perfect, or accepting.” and some of you are saying. “Those people are asses for not accepting you for who you are.”. And I would agree with both statements. Not everyone is accepting and yet I feel that because they are family they should accept me and love me for me. But alas it is a battle I will never win. 

I can’t tell you how much this trip has made me appreciate what I have at home. I am so very grateful for my friends and family, and yes even for my pain in the butt father. I didn’t think I would miss him on this trip, but I do. I am very grateful that I have a job and people who love me there. I am also very grateful for the online friends and community that I am apart of. Without any of it I don’t think I would be in a good place right now.

Over the last couple of months where my depression took over, I would of given anything to get away from it all, or even give up.  I felt like nothing was getting better and I was falling deeper into a whole I would never get out of. I thought going on vacation would help, and it has in a couple ways, I’ve gotten more sleep then I have in months and I’ve gotten even closer to my mom then I was before. It seems like whenever her and I go on vacation our bond grows closer which I treasure because she is my rock.

I know that I am not the only one suffering with problems, everyone has their own problems. But there is something about being alone with your thoughts or seeing the true side of people that make you grateful for what you have and that the problems you thought were ruining your life are manageable and its just going to take time to fix them. I never thought I would have a vacation like this that would make me want to go home so badly, normally it would be the other way around. 

I have also used this vacation to start a new chapter in my life on making it better, and actually using all the negativity I have encountered during this vacation and go home and make it a positive. I know I wrote that blog post about being a happier healthier me, and I will wholly admit that I failed at that, Its time to start fresh and this time I won’t fail. 

If you made it to the end of this blog post I congratulate you for reading it. Thanks for taking the time out to read it. Thanks for taking the time to care. I love you guys and I’ll talk to you soon! 

<3 Nicole